you’re the most colourful thing that I’ve seen

Well, my head is spinning a bit after last night. I normally don't like not remembering what happened, but I was just so damn happy that we nailed our presentation. I’ll be implementing a bit of damage control for the next hour or so.

I’ve started my job driving a box truck. It seems fun so far and it’s much better than sitting behind a desk.

Today is a beautiful day and I have no commitments. It’s been too long. I think I’ll walk over to the art store. There’s a particular artist who’s inspired me.

Moving onward with a new focus. Creation, destruction, etc.

i got dosed by you

The past few days I’ve been working on my front porch until I fall asleep. It’s been nice having the sun wake me up. I don’t think I’ve been regularly sleeping in a bed since late May.

Eight hours have been magically added to my timecard in the past pay period. Either they really wanted to get rid of their budget before the end of the fiscal year or they’ve mixed me up with someone else. What a mess.

We wrap up our case study tomorrow with a presentation. That should be interesting. I’m going to commit myself to drawing more after this. My grandiose contribution to the team was laying out a timeline for the implementation of our ideas. I had quite a bit of fun being creative with that. It makes up for my lackluster part of the presentation.

I’ve been told many times that the number one fear among people is public speaking and that the number two fear is dying. I don’t think I need to point out the oddity with this statistic. I suppose it goes hand in hand with how one of the greatest human needs is to belong. No one wants really wants to stand out from the crowd. Let alone, stand in front of a crowd. Nails poking up get hammered back in, etc.

What ashame.

we're clever but we're clueless

This is the first night I haven’t had to work at night since the beginning of summer. I almost hugged the guy when he told me their group was staying the night.

I was searching around and found something that really made me sad. Several of the clips there upset me, but I think this and this one did me in.

I’m not sure I really have a response to any of those clips. They reminded me most of cigarette ads targeted towards kids, before they made it illegal to target them. I just think that kids should be kids. They’re being put through a machine. Children are like giant sponges. They’ll soak up everything you tell them. The problem I see with camps like these is that these kids are most likely going to spend the rest of their lives trying to squeeze this shit out. When that girl went over to the woman at the bowling alley I thought, "well in a few years she won't be stuttering because she'll have pretty much memorized what she's been taught to say." It’s all so fucked.

This isn’t to say I don’t believe in god. It's just your own journey.

I’ve talked to a couple people who don’t think that they have enough noteworthy things to write down to attract people to their blogs. I don’t think I have that many people viewing this blog. I have no idea if that will change. What I have noticed, though, is that people who are really good at attracting readers are also really good at having a conversation. That is, part of post is in response to Colleen, and the other part is in response to Natalia. I’m just carrying on that conversation.

It doesn’t matter so much what you write about, it matters more that you’re adding to the conversation. Hugh MacLeod does a great job at this. If you look at his posts, most every single one will contain a hyperlink to someone else’s website with a comment or remark about it.

So, to people who don't think they have exciting things to keep people reading, I have a simple suggestion for you. Spend some time trying to find something totally fucking awesome to write about and hope that people will find it or join the conversation.

gravity wants to bring me down

I’ve found it much easier to write than work on my presentation. Imagine that.

I’m taking care of a woman’s lawn while she’s away for a couple months. The job isn’t so bad, but I seem to have troubles with her lawnmower. A few weeks ago it stopped accelerating on its own, so I had to push it around. I fixed this problem. It happened again. I fixed it again.

Just today I ran into a new problem. While I was mowing the lawn I heard a loud bang and the mower shut off completely. I figured I had run over something, so I turned it over to check it out. Oddly, though, I had not run over anything. Being an expert in lawnmower maintenance I checked the gas level and decided that it needed more. I filled up the gas and tried to start it up again.

It was at this moment that I noticed oil spilling out of the engine and where my expertise in lawnmower maintenance failed me. I looked at the manual and discovered that the oil was coming out of something called an air filter. Investigating a bit more, I screwed off a side panel and found that the oil, had indeed, spilled out of the engine and through an air filter. This is where I decided to put the mower back in the garage and go home. I told a mechanic and he laughed at me and told me that it would be more expensive to fix than to just buy a new one. No more lawn mower problems.

I am a fan of thought provoking questions.

I think if a large lump of money fell into my hands I would be very bewildered. Then I would probably buy an Ipod Shuffle. Go to a concert or two. Solve world hunger. That's about it. There are so many things I don’t need.

strawberry wine and smokes

I just read a fictitious article about the KKK Grand Master coming out of the closet. Ridiculous. A lawsuit is in progress. I never knew they had Grand Masters. I thought that was reserved for chess players. What a bizarre organization.

Lately I've been eating a lot of peanut butter. I now have a quick fix to breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. I realize this isn’t the healthiest of addictions, but I rationalize it by walking places. My walking, unfortunately, does nothing to cushion the amount of peanut butter I eat.

I’ve started to dip into sketching again, and regretting not bringing my tablet back with me.

i guess it's all relative

I used to go on a lot of mission trips and help fix up people’s homes. Something about tearing down walls and nailing shingles down is really manly. It makes me want to go build something.

The people, whose houses we fixed up, were always so appreciative of us helping them. It was nice, to see how we impacted their lives. It was also nice, for someone to put a hammer in my hands and give me permission to let loose.

Love begets love. I think there’s a lot of truth in that statement.

Last year, some guy spilled a beer in my room and killed my laptop. I finally got in contact with him and he agreed to pay for half the price a new one, which was something like $400. Somewhere down the line he felt like he was being used and shorted me a hundred.

I wanted to break down every door in the city and beat the living hell out of him. It was so tempting. I almost hired a lawyer to win what would have been a very easy case. Instead I just thought about it and got more frustrated with the entire situation. Looking over the conversation we had, makes me angry again. At some point he told me to get a job if I needed the money. It was never about the money. Not really.

Hate begets hate. I think there’s a lot of truth in that statement.

In a way, life is just a reflection of yourself. That’s powerful stuff.

my mind it tends to run

It’s amazing how much faster work goes by if I’ve been drinking. I’ll have to do this more often.

I got around to playing with the helium tank that’s at the community center. When I was younger helium balloons were one of the most entertaining things in the world. Just about anything you say is absolutely hilarious because it’s 20 octaves higher.

After figuring out how to work the tank I directed the nozzle at my mouth and inhaled a good amount. It did absolutely nothing, so I inhaled for a little while more and then noticed a ‘non-flammable’ symbol on the side of the tank. It was oxygen.

I’m not sure how much fun a balloon is if it doesn't even float. For me, in particular, half the excitement came from trying to hold on to them before they flew away. I no longer have this problem.

I’ve been very close this summer to buying a bunch of large helium balloons and seeing how many it would take to lift me off the ground. There was someone with a similar idea who went up on his lawn chair with a six pack of beer, sandwiches, and a pellet gun (to shoot the balloons and descend). His plan was to float about 30 feet off the ground. Instead, his balloons shot him up 16,000 feet and he drifted near Long Beach Airport airspace before coming down in a residential area. As he was being arrested he said, "A man can't just sit around." Beautifully put.

My idea isn’t a whole lot different, except that I don’t have anything to shoot the balloons. It would be incredible, though, to travel around by balloons. Curious George does this.

if time was gold i'd be rich

All this studying is starting to get to me. It’s hard to believe that I’ll be leaving with a degree next spring.

If there’s one reason I don’t write on paper it’s because I scribble everything out and proofread as I go along. It’s so much cleaner. I guess I could just use pencil, but I usually find myself rubbing holes through the paper from erasing so much. It’s hard to capture your thoughts. The mind tends to run. Just try and remember any dreams you’ve had lately.

Whenever I think about the future I get very uncomfortable. I’m starting to feel the pressures of this very structured life I’ve led slowly dissapear, only to be replaced by another force residing much deeper within. Nothing about the future is certain. A year and a half ago I had no idea that I would transfer to Indiana University, one month ago I was worried about finding a summer job and now I have three, just today I broke my mop at work, etc.

So much effort is put into trying to predict what might happen tomorrow. I’m not saying that tomorrow isn’t important. I’m just saying that today is...

there is something i've been meaning to do

I took a study break to go kick a ball around earlier. Woodlawn field during the summer is absolutely dead. I could be out there for hours without anyone being on the actual field. It’s kind of nice. I miss the central quad from ISU. Random people would always come out and play kick ups in between classes. The quiet here is kind of nice, but only in small doses. I try and drown it out by playing music really loud.

Before going back to the house I picked up a well deserved burrito from Chipotle. On my way back I went through a park off of Kirkwood where a lot of locals hang out. I’m not sure if they’re homeless or not, but it’s usually the same folks in that area and they all seem to know each other. Anyway, one guy invited me to play hacky sack as I was walking by and I said no thanks. I remembered, though, that one reason I had gotten into soccer was through playing hacky sack. So I unzipped my duffel bag and me and this motley crew ended up playing kick ups for a good hour or so. Not a bad group. We ended up knocking over four drinks in the surrounding area and hit a few people. Not the best location, but it was still pretty fun. I think I’ll go back sometime later.

I wish I had a golf course that was in walking distance. I’m not much of a golfer, but it’s really nice to go out and walk around at night. There’s no lights hiding the stars and the fairways are wide enough to make you feel like you’re in the middle of nowhere. If you lie down on the middle of the green and look at the stars closely enough, I swear you can feel the world turning.

honey you sure are tough

Tonight I will be getting more than 4 hours of sleep. Rock on.

As an aside, Matt has introduced me to a solo album produced by Dustin Kensrue, the lead singer of Thrice. Great, great album. It’s got a folk edge. I guess I’m just in that kind of mood. Thrice, in contrast, does not have a folk edge. I was about to compliment Thrice while previewing their music in Itunes, and then I chose a song with screaming in it. Some of their material sounds okay though.

I participated in a psychology experiment earlier today on campus. This is my 5th one during the summer and by far the strangest. These two girls, Amber and Shaniqua (I'm not actually sure if it's Amber or not), explained the experiment to me and had me fill out a questionnaire. Standard business. Next they measured my head. It is normal sized. After all the measuring was done they marked my scalp and placed a cap on my head. The cap had about 40 electrodes on it and each had a long wire extending to a computer. Then they spent a good amount of time putting gel on my head with q-tips so that the electrodes got a good connection. The whole preparation was kind of strange. At one point Amber asked if I felt comfortable and I just started laughing. I felt like I was about to go on a space mission (which kind of excited me). Amber had seen Waking Life, which is a superb movie. I didn’t get to ask her much about what she though of it though.

After all the preparations were made Amber explained to me that I would hear sets of tones. There were only two tones (a high pitch and low pitch), and during the experiment I was to count how many times I heard a low pitch. I did a couple practice runs and then they put me in a nice chair, connected my cap thing to the chair, closed the door, and dimmed the lights. The experiment was to last 40 minutes. I fell asleep during part of it.

It was a horribly boring experiment, but I found ways to keep myself entertained. My mind wandered a lot and towards the end I was trying to send them secret messages telepathically through the electrodes. Somehow I don’t think it works like that, but it kept me awake.

Though the experiment and its goals were explained completely to me, I still have no idea what the point of it all was. Psychology is a funny science. I really enjoy it though because it’s generally applicable to real life. How people learn and think and behave plays an incredible role in how everyone interacts with each other. I just wish they didn’t have to put an electrode hat on me to figure everything out.

you are here!

I’m going to change up my style a bit. Reinvent the wheel and what not. We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve hit a creative rut again. The story of my life.

Being a custodian at the community center is kind of tiring. Now that camp has started, kids are in and out of the building every day. The job itself is kind of funny though. I’ll find the most random things lying around. Socks in the bathroom, half eaten sandwiches on the floor, underwear, swimsuits, etc. I have no idea how so much stuff could be forgotten. When I went in to clean one of the offices a note swung out from around the door handle that said “You are here!” in crayon. Summer has been kind of depressing thus far. I’m pretty sure I know why, but I haven't figured out the best way to fix it. That note made me laugh some.

Matt told me about an organization similar to the one Fred Phelps runs. It’s called A True Church and is run by a man named Darwin Fish. He does not think he should change his name because it wouldn’t honor his father or mother. Their organization believes that unless you take the Bible to heart and follow it completely, you will go to hell. This kind of bullshit pisses me off. Matt gave me their number and so I called Darwin Fish. I am pretty sure the number connected me to their house telephone and a woman answered:

“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m interested in hearing more about A True Church.”
“Just a second”
[Phone is put down and a man picks up, I presume it’s Darwin Fish
since their congregation only has 50 members and he’s the pastor]
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m interested in hearing a little bit more about your organization.”
“Uh, well it’s pretty much on the web, do you have access to a computer?”
“No.”
“Uhh, how did you hear about us?”
“Through a friend.”
“And how did he hear about us?”
“On the internet, but he’s states away.”
“Well, I mean, you can go to a library or something and use the computers
there. Uh, what did you want to know?”
“Well, I guess I just wanted to know specifically what you believe.”
"Well, we condemn Christianity and believe that anyone who doesn't follow the bible is going to hell. Some people think they believe in the Bible, but they really don’t because they go against God’s Word everyday.”
[At this point I just decided to hang up before I said something rude]
“Ah, interesting…well thanks…”
“Uh, yep.”

There was a tiny bit more, but I don’t think it’s worth writing here. Apparently, his congregation of 50 and whatever small percentage of people actual take the Bible literally, will go to heaven. Unfortunately, Darwin Fish smoked pot in high school for a few months, and according to his church and scripture, will be going to hell for not treating his body like a temple.

If you’re interested in hearing their automated voice message system you can call 1-800-HOW-TRUE. Personally, I think you’ll just be wasting your time. It may make you laugh though.

It’s interesting that they put such faith in words alone. I asked him what Bible they used to draw scripture from, which coincidentally is basically the same Bible you’ll find in a church pew. The Bible was originally written in Hebrew, so I wonder how Darwin Fish would feel about all the things that might have been lost in translation. That’s pretty important to know if you’re basing your entire faith off of a book. I guess he found some scripture that talks about that too. What a sad organization.

I don't know what I would do if one of my children ever turned into the next Darwin Fish. How sad, that a being born out of such love should become so hateful.

(I don’t think there’s anything new about my style here. Oh well.)

we're a million miles away

Hugh MacLeod draws some interesting cartoons on the back of business cards at gapingvoid.com. Sometimes thought provoking, sometimes not, but this one stood out for me:

I think it speaks for itself.

Through about 16 years of school, I’m not sure I’ve ever been challenged to be a wolf. Some of the most useless information has been given to me. The times I have used information from the classroom and put it to use in real life are few and far between. This is my routine for tests:

Memorize, memorize, memorize, memorize, memorize, coffee, memorize, test, shit, shit, test, test, test, forget, forget, forget, etc.

And, excuse me, but it’s been working pretty damn well.

That’s beside the point.

Who the hell cares about the information?? If we valued the material we were learning, there wouldn’t be students emailing professors to recheck their test forms by hand. Not a lot of people care why they got it wrong, it’s just that they got it wrong. So long as you’ll never see it again, who cares? I certainly don’t.

When you’re paying $13,000 a semester to be a sponge, you’d damn well better come out with straight A’s. For a lot of people it’s just about the little piece of paper you get at the end of it all, and all the parties you went to in between tests just to forget. So fuck it.

That was also beside the point.

It pisses me off more than ever to think that I’ve just been herded around for the past 16 years. My academic career has not been molded around me. It’s been molded around a set path that I share with a thousand other students. Every person majoring in Computer Information Systems will have taken almost the same exact courses as me, with the exception of an elective here or there. How does anyone differentiate themselves when school’s creates commodities out of students?

I am not like rice.