maybe you'll rest sometimes

Ah, I can breathe again.

This weekend was a good one. A friend came to visit for a couple days and a few of us went camping. Being in the middle of nowhere is great. I don’t think I could trade a clear night sky for anything save enlightenment. It seems that when I lie down and look up at the stars I can somewhat be at peace. At the same time, though, I’m still restless and have a hard time sitting in one spot too long.

It’s strange to know that when I sit down and stop, my mind keeps going. I think about all the other things that I should or could or need to be doing. So my mind is never really with me. It’s always one step ahead and I’m always left chasing it, feeling burnt out every step of the way.

For me, that’s an important realization. When I sit, I would like to sit. I would like my mind to do the same.

oh my sweet carolina

I’ve decided that working at the library is just about as fun as banging my hand with a hammer for two hours. I haven’t figured out which one is more painful though. Smashing my hand would hurt a bit, but not quite as much as listening to my boss talk about shelving techniques and how important it is to document absolutely everything so that they have records. I guess I shouldn’t complain—I’ve been eating all the baked desserts that people bring in for the week.

In the last week or so my motivation to study has slipped to near nothing. I think that’s becoming a common trend. If I graphed it out, it would look something like this:

That’s exponential decay right there. Fortunately it looks like I’ll never hit 0%.

On a similar note, my drinking habits are most likely positively correlated to my motivation. Unfortunately, my grades are also positively correlated to my motivation.

I have two bosses at the library. Both of them just looked at me, started whispering, and closed the door to their office to chat. Suspicious. It might be said that my motivation is also affecting my performance at work, but I doubt it since this job consists of sitting at a desk that receives no more than two customers per hour. I really hope they fire me.

With that being said, I think I’m going to get drunk and carouse the book stacks in my boxers tomorrow.

i ended up with pockets full of dust

I bought a CD today for the first time in awhile.

Great album. Enough said.

A few days ago, I promised myself to start sleeping on a regular schedule again. I just slept a full 4 and a half hours, which is very telling of how my pledge went.

just the old laws of cause and effect

Well, I’m pretty excited that Matt has started his own page. It’ll be interesting to see how the conversation evolves over the next few months.

I watched What the #$*! Do We (K)now!? earlier today. It was pretty good. I think I would have to watch it a few more times before grasping some of the concepts that they present.

One idea that they present, is that life is all about possibilities, and each atom is not so much a piece of matter, but rather a possibility. I think that it’s really easy to forget that we always have a choice. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of people just settle for what they have. It’s never okay to settle for mediocrity because each moment is a possibility. Breaking out of this causal chain is much easier said than done, though, and people have tendencies to stick with what they’ve always done.

These habits, these addictions, the ups and downs we put ourselves through, are so painful to break away from that people go through withdrawal, and often go back to their old habits.

It is along the same lines, that Socrates postulates:

If you think what you have always thought,
Then you will feel what you have always felt.

If you feel what you have always felt,
Then you will do what you have always done.

If you do what you have always done,
Then you will get what you have always gotten.

If you get what you have always gotten,
Then you will think what you have always thought.

Cause & effect. What a horrible ride it can be. What a wonderful ride it can be.

It begs the question. When I live a causal life of chemical induced addictions, what choices do I have?

Perhaps it's the choice to break out of this mediocre state of existence that we settle for everyday, which will allow us to truly live and know ourselves. So what ever are we waiting on, and why is that so damn scary?

i made up my mind that i would live today

I’ve been a bit incommunicado this past week. A few days ago I dropped my phone in the toilet. Thankfully it still works, but recently the front screen has stopped working. I’ve gone through three cell phones in the past year, so when I dropped this one in the toilet I got pretty angry at myself. When I put my last one through the washer I was able to laugh about it. This time, though, I just felt really sad and useless.

It was strange being without a phone for the night that I turned it off to dry. I felt really disconnected from people. For the first time in a few years I used a landline to talk to a friend. It just felt weird.

Lately I’ve been drawing a bit. Nothing spectacular, but that’s my poor excuse for not writing these past few days. I read an article on the stages on blogging the other day. There were only five on the list, the last being abandonment. I would like to add a 6th stage called rebirth where the process starts again. After I stopped writing here, I started writing on this page. Writing regularly is tough sometimes and I suppose it’s always good to take a break and come back with a new spin on things.

The only constant is change.

floating in and out

I played croquet earlier tonight as the sun was setting. I got home from work today as the sun was rising. It’s nice to see things from both perspectives.

It would also be nice to have a somewhat normal sleep schedule.

I’m curious to see how people are going to use the iPhone. The commercials were really cool, and an interactive touch screen device is sweet, but I’m not sure I really care. It just looks like a really nice toy. One thing I would be more interested in seeing, is a device that compliments my soul and helps me express myself. That’s a tough job for companies, but I think it’s somewhat more important than all the cool features. The iPhone commercials seemed to focus a lot more on the product than on the consumer, which is why I’m hesitant. It does speak loudly though, about innovation and potential. I just hope Apple didn’t forget about me in designing the product.

Hugh has a nice manifesto floating around that helps keep me in line.

The end of the summer semester is approaching. It’ll be nice to be able to really relax before fall semester kicks into gear again. It’s getting harder and harder to stay focused. Motivation comes and goes.

the remedy

Last night I locked myself out of work with the music blaring and my belongings inside. I guess I didn’t learn my lesson the first time this happened.

It’s been a really lazy weekend. Yesterday afternoon a few of us took the boat to the lake and floated around for a few hours. Everyone on the lake seemed really friendly. Perhaps they were just happy to be alive or perhaps I was just feeling funny from the night before. I felt inclined to wave at all the boats swimming around, and the people who noticed felt inclined to wave back. It was really peaceful to just sit and not worry about anything at all. Maybe everyone there felt the same way. Seven o’clock came around and we drove away. I was still feeling the effects of the lake so I started waving to people. Not too many people waved back. Everything started going at high speed again and went to hell.

Oh well.